I guess I’m using this space to hold myself accountable. I keep telling myself I’m going to lose a little bit of weight and then life happens and I decide to drink the wine or eat the pizza. I’m all about not restricting since I’ve been there, done that, and it controlled my whole life for 8+ years. It’s all about balance, and guys, my balance is off!
Since the warmer temperatures are here and the girls and I are in the pool almost every day, it’s very easy to pour myself a glass of wine at 3:30, then a couple more, and then my food choices aren’t the best. That has become habit. I’m a creature of habit. I get in a certain routine and stick with it, in good ways and bad.
In high school, I cut calories and cut calories and it became my unbreakable habit. BAM: anorexia. Then hospitalization, in which I was taught a new amount of calories to eat to still be very skinny, but not sick, which I followed out of habit for a couple years.
Then a simple diet in college for a spring break trip and BAM: relapse. I was actually skinner at this point than when I went into treatment in high school, but I was over 18 years old and wouldn’t send myself to get help.
Eventually, I got into the habit of not eating anything all day (maybe 100 calories if I was really hungry), going out drinking, and then I would binge. Now when I think about the “binge eating” part, it was binge eating for an anorexic. I wasn’t eating a whole pizza at once or anything, I was basically eating the correct amount of calories a person should in a day, just all at once. I actually lost weight at this point because those extra calories just revved my metabolism because I was so malnourished.
Luckily, with support from my now husband and family, I snapped out of it this time from home, but not exactly in the healthiest way. Right before my wedding, the drinking and eating became more frequent, and over the next few years, I gained quite a bit of weight. Just to be clear, I had a lot of weight to gain, but eventually it got to be more than I would have liked. Then I got pregnant with Hailey and obviously that habit stopped and I’ve lived a pretty normal eating lifestyle since.
Recently though, I’ve been drinking way too many nights a week and that isn’t a habit I want to have anymore. A couple glasses of wine leads me to eat more than I should also. This past weekend was a very indulgent weekend, I missed a workout, and was in a swim suit 90 percent of the time and not feeling good about myself. Hailey’s dance recital was this past Saturday and I couldn’t even post a picture of me with her that day because I hated the way I looked. That’s when I knew I needed a change. I wanted to do some kind of reset but didn’t know what. Anthony actually said he was going to try to eat low-carb, low- sugar most days until our beach trip and I was all for hopping on board! (I’ve been trying to get him to do the Whole 30 with me, or even a Whole 15, but he said no way, so I was excited that he wanted to reset also!)
As I write this I can see people thinking it might be a bad idea to restrict certain things because of my past, and I usually don’t like to do diets like this because of that. However, we are being super laid back about this. We have plans with friends the next two weekends and will still have some cocktails and eat whatever we want those days. This will help me make better choices through the week, but still allow me to go out for pizza on the weekends with my girls, which I think will be a better balance for me!
It’s really all about feeling comfortable in your own skin, and right now, I do not.
When I sat down to write this post today, I never intended to talk about my eating disorder. I was going to call this post, “sometimes you just need a reset,” and talk about not feeling my best and trying the low-carb low sugar diet. I was going to add a low-carb, low-sugar recipe and call it a day. As I started writing, this all just kind of came out and actually made sense.
I am just trying to be the happiest, healthiest version of myself for myself and my family.
Are you a creature of habit? In what way?